Teaching humility, without striking

It’s unavoidable in the development of the adult, that SOMEONE whom the child respects HAS to say “you’re an asshole“ in some terms, that the child understands and memorably regrets. There is validity in the idea that spanking a kid isn’t absolutely necessary, but it is the fastest way to develop an aversion to a particular behavior. “I don’t want that to happen again, so I will not engage that behavior.“

so, anything that will create that aversion would work.

The thing that (it seems), parents are the least likely to do, is tell their kid that they’re an asshole, and explain why.

So it is not until the kid gets out of the house, and among his peers that he realizes you can’t just say whatever you want as it comes to mind. Do you mean people. Lack of appreciation. Treat people like servants.

The peer group, in today’s culture, is the group that teaches the “filters“ that we use into later life.

Right now, among parents, it is believed that children should be capable of full self expression. They should be able to freely express themselves. At the same time, they see every level of unbridled self expression on places, like Tik Tok, YouTube, Instagram, etc.

Young men and women, talking about intimacy (sex) in graphic terms, how does a young person come up, knowing any boundaries until someone tells him, and how does that work if the parents will say nothing offensive to their kids. And do, nothing, “offensive” to their kids by way of correction?

In our current culture, parents want their kids to rationalize their behaviors and “see the error in their ways” like an adult. But they are not adults, and they’re not really getting any practice at being adults.

They are leaving a lot of their “aversion, therapy” to their peers. And a lot of that group are coming up with no boundaries, and no aversions.

I just watched a mother, who is a dear friend of mine, call her kid out on a selfish, infantile (NPD) behavior that would otherwise leave him a bachelor all of his adult life. She pointed out the hurtful nature of it. She explained why it hurts. She used neutral terms. And because the kid was fairly normal, he was seriously embarrassed and cried. She didn’t lay a  finger on him. She was not verbally offensive. But she was crystal clear, and he was embarrassed. (Much worse will happen as an adult, to him). And / but he made progress on the pathway to becoming an adult with appropriate filters, and appropriate behaviors. 

If we are going to give up spanking, fine. But it’s OK to hurt your kids feelings, if you’re neutral, compassionate and thorough in your explanation, even if it in Paris is the kid. A little bit of embarrassment / humility is what separates the sociopaths and the NPD’s’s from the rest of us. They can’t feel it, and you should worry if your kid is impervious.

Author: 1o3